St. Grimsby’s Thaumaturgical

Overnight crew wanted for a condemned ward. Coverage subject to discretion.

Hexcare Mutual is pleased to welcome you to the night staff of St. Grimsby’s Thaumaturgical, our emergency room for magical creatures. We understand you are not qualified. We also understand the building has been condemned, a finding we are contesting. We own St. Grimsby’s and would like it to cost us as little as possible, so if a patient happens to become a chair on your watch, you will hear no complaints from us.

Our legal department asks us to mention that St. Grimsby’s Thaumaturgical is a 1-8 player online co-op comedy horror game about doing a bad job together in the dark. Patients will arrive through the portal with afflictions that are not yet named, and therefore not yet covered. The instruments we have provided aren't necessarily the most accurate. You may also notice that the pantry is past its best and there has been reports of some kind of "thing" on the lower levels. None of this affects your obligation to send the paperwork up the tube before the bell.

Diagnose with the instruments provided

Your Glass of Seeing is cracked and the Stethoscrying Horn sometimes reports what it would prefer to be true. We consider both to be within tolerance. The Codex has had some water damage, so the page you need may be stuck to the page you don’t. Two members of staff can examine the same patient and see different symptoms, and we suggest you sort that out among yourselves.

Brew with what’s left in the pantry

Remedies are made on site. Put the ingredients in the cauldron and stir when it wants stirring. What comes out should be bottled. Please check the dates, as the newt has one and we will not be restocking. An incorrect recipe produces Sludge, tiresome concoction. Sludge is not covered.

Get it pre-authorized

Every treatment requires our approval before it is given. You can use the brass terminal, or pick up the wall radio and ask out loud. The radio listens to your actual voice through your microphone, but that being said the connection sometimes leads to miscommunication. We will get Jim from mechanical on that. Our representative will help you to the best of their ability.

Then file it

A cure you don’t file is a cure we don’t pay for. The slip has to physically go up the Claims Tube before the shift ends. Three shifts make a billing week, and should you miss the quota...

Three floors down, something is listening

The sub-levels are a different maze every shift. You will have to go down there if you want to save your patients. Sometimes this requires a little bit of bravery, but we at Hexcare Mutual are confident you will survive mostly intact.

A note on workplace conduct

Potions are throwable and the incinerator has no lid. Legal has advised to tell you this. The ward also contains snares, glue, a morgue drawer, a gas valve and a defibrillator you charge with a crank, none of which are intended for use on colleagues. Should a member of staff reach zero, a contracted hospice Attendant will come to collect them, and it is not particular about who it takes. We’d also remind you that your colleagues are under no obligation to help you.

Features

• 1-4 players online, or up to 8 if the host is willing to carry the traffic

• Proximity voice chat, plus walkie-talkies that only reach certain floors

• The wall radio listens to what you actually say. It’s optional, and it runs offline so nothing leaves your computer

• Physics on everything. Anything you can carry you can throw, including a colleague, though we’d prefer you avoided the stairs

• A ward that rots week by week and sub-levels that change every shift

• A dread level that only goes up

• Full controller support, including for the paperwork